NNAOPP Update - Fall 2022

NNAOPP Update Fall 2022

Son-in-law and Sledge Hammers 

I'm convinced that I have the best son-in-law in the world. He's wicked smart, funny, fun, honorable, and interesting. Every molecule in his being exudes joie de vivre. He's a great dad, husband, employer, and so. And, at this juncture the astute reader is thinking, there's a 'but' coming. And there is. My beloved son-in-law can, on occasion, be inspired by a truly bad idea. 

This past summer, Fred and Lucy attended a friend's 50th birthday party in Scotland. One of the groups' activities was to participate in a number of traditional Highland games. This featured the males wearing kilts, commando I presume and mindful of the old joke: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear the sound of a zipper for miles. But I digress. The gentlemen participated in log tossing, hammer throwing, and other Scottish kinds of amusements each accompanied by the consumption of abundant quantities of Scotch whiskey. I understand they also took turns trying to play the bagpipes. Apparently, Fred really enjoyed the festivities and did particularly well in the hammer throw. The event consists of taking a 22 lb. ball attached to a wood handle or pole, then whirling it around one's head trying to build up as much momentum as possible, then throwing it as far as one can, hopefully in the right direction. Spectators are advised to stand some distance from the tosser. 

This past weekend, twin grandsons Finn and Charlie hosted a party at their house. I was enlisted as the cook, although I later had to apologize for the burnt burgers. A group of boisterous 12-year-olds were running around in the back yard when Fred brought out a sledge hammer he borrowed from his brother earlier in the day. And he went out to introduce the hammer throw to the lads. What could possibly go wrong? 

As some may recall, the Olympic hammer throwers do so from a station surrounded by netting, excepting the narrow opening through which the hammer is intended to be tossed. This keeps errant throws from fatally beaning any spectators or officials. There was no such safety device at this particular suburban backyard. 

Now I realize I possess the common 'old guy' disease wherein I can conjure every imaginable disastrous outcome for even the most benign activity. However, when I espied Fred's introduction of the hammer throw to the kids, I had to shout, "Fred, this is definitely not a good idea." And he agreed. He did however, demonstrate his hammer throwing prowess, absent the three rotational twirls. And he did throw it pretty darn far. 

And in his defense, Fred did not introduce the kids to games involving pitchforks, hatchets, or poisonous snakes. 

Comedy Gone Bad 

A not very amusing vignette popped into my head a few days ago as I was brushing my teeth. I can't explain it, but my mind wandered back to a partner's meeting from many decades past. For some odd reason, the person responsible for the event thought it would be a good idea to hire a comedian to entertain the group. A local comic, who happened to have a modicum of notoriety was selected. 

I'm sure he's had bad evenings before, but on this particular evening he reached his nadir. Now, I'll grant you that CPA's can be a fertile target for comedy. This is often unwarranted in my view, but hey, it's all in fun. But this particular performer thought an audience of CPA's would somehow be entertained by being mocked. 

His act went over like the proverbial turd in a punchbowl. The audience was polite, but nary a mild titter ran through the crowd. Somewhat flustered the comedian got nasty, which is fitting given his name was Naster. He somehow focused his attention on a conservatively dressed, older man in the crowd. To a stranger, Howard may have appeared to be the archetypal, mild-mannered, boring accountant, and the comedian chose him as his foil. 

What he didn't know, was that Howard was a bright, thoughtful man who was loved by his clients and well respected throughout the firm. He also failed to appreciate that Howard spent 18-months in a German POW camp during WWII, having survived multiple daylight bombing missions as the navigator on a B-17 before being shot down. Howard had lost an adult child to cancer, and had recently lost his wife to illness. And his sister was the governor of Arizona. Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, he was the perfect target for mockery. 

The comedian was oblivious to the notion he had crossed the line until the managing partner interrupted his set and asked that he leave. 

Shortly afterwards, I told my Mom about the event. She said she had the noxious comedian in one her English classes at SM West. Being a woman who used words economically, Mom recalled, "Yes, I remember him, and he was a complete asshole." 

So why, you might be asking yourself, am I sharing this vignette from ancient times? The answer is to convey a message: know a little about your audience. I then reflected on the many occasions when I regrettably failed at following this useful tip. 

Bickering 

Judy and I have been watching The Extraordinary Attorney Woo on Netflix this week. It's an excellent Korean show about a brilliant young woman with autism who prevails in a difficult case each episode using her creative mind. As a little girl she memorized law books. She spoke for the first time when she was six when she stopped an altercation by reciting chapter and verse the law applicable to the situation. It's hugely entertaining. 

A few days ago I was picking up the three grandkids after school. Charlie beat Waverly to the car by a whisker and situated himself in the front seat, much to his older sister's chagrin. This led to bickering. I know, unheard of sibling bickering, but fortunately it soon ran out of steam. After a few minutes of silence in the backseat, Waverly calmly stated, "Papa, you realize it's a punishable offense to allow a child to ride in the front seat unless he is older than 12, weighs more than 80 lbs., and is at least 4' 9". The fine is $100 plus court costs. It just so happens Charlie meets none of those qualifying criteria, putting your driving privileges in jeopardy. Just saying." 

Life imitating art once again. 

Pheasant Hunting 101 for Kids 

A friend of mine, Nevin Waters, has long been involved in a 501c3 called Duckhorn Outdoor Adventures. They own 285 acres in Bates County Missouri devoted to bird hunting. It's a beautiful property with a lodge situated on a dominant hill overlooking oak forests, lakes, and fields of grain. One of their missions is to introduce city kids to hunting thus getting them off their screens and outdoors. Nevin said, "You should bring your grandkids. They might enjoy it." I mentioned it to 13-year-old granddaughter Waverly, and she said, "Sign me up." 

We arrived at the Duckhorn Lodge at 7:30 am on a warm fall Sunday, and Waverly quickly observed there were 24 boys and one girl. At first, she sat shyly in the back, but that later changed. The morning started with a short program on gun safety. We then went to see an exhibition of hunting dogs doing their magic. Some kids brought their own shotgun, for those who didn't guns were provided. Wavy picked a 20 gauge, and she was assigned to a group with two other novices and an instructor named John, who teaches shooting for a living. John showed them the proper stance, how to site the target, how to load and unload the gun, and proper safety protocols. Then they started shooting skeet. They do not skimp on ammo. After shooting at multiple stations, it was time for the main event. 

It's called a European style hunt. The property has a large lake, about 250 yards in diameter, with a small island in the middle. There are 20 shooting stations surrounding the lake. The kids were dropped off at the various stations, each of which had a volunteer to oversee the shooting. Most of the volunteers had skilled hunting dogs who would quickly retrieve any fallen bird on land or water. Wavy was lucky to have John as her volunteer. He's a big ole boy, friendly, knowledgeable, and they hit it off instantly. Wavy started at station #9, and was one of the first in the entire hunt to get a bird. John would tell her when to shoot and when not to, "That bird's too low, let it go." "This one is coming your way, get ready. Shoot now!" A total of 300 birds were released over the hunt. I'd guess half escaped, and half were dispatched by the kids. 

After the last bird was released, people moving trailers picked up the hunters and volunteers. Each trailer held about 20 people. Wavy and I were separated when we got aboard. Wavy sat next to a grizzled old guy with a white beard. I was close enough to hear the following exchange: Grizzly Adams, "Where do you go to school little lady?" Wavy, "Pembroke." Grizzly, "Do you chew?" Wavy looked around for me with a look that said, 'did he really ask that?' but she said, "No." Grizzly, "Do you want some?" Wavy, "No thank you." Grizzly, "Do you cuss?" Wavy, "Yea, a little bit." It continued like that. 

They served a superb fried chicken dinner once we got back, then cleaned the birds and distributed them. Most of the volunteers are old guys, and a few came up to Wavy to give her fist bumps. One of them said, "I saw the shot you made on that bird. Well done." 

Wavy initially wanted to take her first bird back to get it stuffed. I said, "Yes, by all means take a bloody, dead bird in a bag to your Mom. I'm certain she will know exactly how to get it ready for the taxidermist." 

Wavy was fast asleep after about 10 minutes on the drive home. It was a great day being in a beautiful part of the world. 

Sanibel 

Our family has been going to Sanibel Island, FL for the past 35 years. The recurrence of our visits reflects a genuine affection for this treasure. Included among its many compelling attributes are: the absence of any structures over three stories, fourteen miles of pristine beaches, conservation lands comprising two-thirds of the island, the best shelling in North America, many great restaurants, a flip-flop/tee shirt ambiance, civilized residents and tourists, and Jerry's donuts. 

We've owned a third story condo in a complex for the past twenty-two years and have spent winters there, bringing life to the motto that winter is best served at 72 degrees. 

We are now about one month past the day Hurricane Ian hit SW Florida. On the good news front, our condo was spared. Sadly, all of the first-floor units in our complex and the common areas were flooded by the surge. One of our neighbors, also the owner of a third-floor unit, but in a different building, stayed in her home during the storm. She reported that it was quite terrifying. We live on the eastern end of the island. Sanibel basically runs east west for about 6 miles before bending up to the north towards Captiva, a geologic anomaly that accounts for the great shelling. Our neighbor noted that the surge came from the east while the winds came from the west. Presumably, this was caused by the rush of water from the Gulf of Mexico being squeezed between Sanibel and the nearest land, which happens to be Ft. Myers Beach. She observed a construction dumpster floating around like a toy boat, along with all the cars in the parking lot, including her formerly favorite Porsche. Miraculously, she was unharmed, and her unit was unscathed. She was rescued by a military helicopter the day after, and said that was pretty darn cool. She is now living in CA with one of her kids, hoping to return to her home ASAP. 

The most devastating destruction visited by the storm was the damage to the 4-mile causeway that connects Sanibel and Captiva to the mainland. A giant section of the bridge that connects to the mainland terminus, collapsed into San Carlos Bay. The causeway was built in three sections with two manmade islands in between. Both of the islands were damaged extensively, along with the section connecting the bridge to Sanibel. Most residents and Sanibel lovers were confronted with the prospect of rebuilding without having a functioning causeway for up to a year. Imagine the difficulty of restoring power and water, clearing up tens of thousands of tons of debris and ruined cars, and transporting restorative building materials back to the island using only barges, ferries, and Bailey bridges. But, amazingly, temporary repairs were made, and the causeway was operational less than three weeks after the storm. Line after line of dump trucks dropped their sand to rebuild the islands, and now thousands of loads of debris are being hauled off every few days. 500 electrical workers and 60 law enforcement personnel were on site in days and made camp on the ball field of the grade school. City officials report every other day on a website of the progress being made. 

It is taking a Herculean effort, but it's absolutely amazing how fast good things are happening. Jerry's Grocery store has reopened, and they're now helping their competitor Bailey's to do the same. My favorite restaurants, The Lighthouse Café and Over Easy Café, suffered severe damage, yet have cleaned up and pledge to reopen soon. 

Many have not been so lucky. Many buildings, especially those built before recent hurricane codes went into effect, no longer exist. A friend who owns a first-floor condo mid-island reports the Gulf side front of her building looks like the back of a doll house. Her refrigerator is gone and was replaced by a gumbo limbo tree. For seasonal owners like us, the impact is costly and inconvenient, but for fulltime residents and business owners the losses are catastrophic. 

Book Sales re: Howard, Bill, and Sally 

On a brighter note, Judy and I recently attended a gala event at our alma mater, Drury University, to dedicate the grand opening of a new business school building. It was delightful reuniting with classmates from days gone by and others we've come to know over the years. We were mingling over cocktails and hors d'oeuvres in the crowded lobby in the new building when I espied a friend I hadn't seen in many years. Crystal is quite tall and strikingly attractive, and she saw me from a distance and gave the hand signal with two fingers pointing at me, then back at her own eyes, which I believe means, "I need to talk to you." 

We eventually moseyed towards each other, and she said, "I read your book about Howard and Bill, and I loved it." This made my day. I met Crystal many years ago when I served on the board at Drury and she was the chair of some department, I forget which one. She had long since left Drury, married some guy, and moved to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. 

And she told me the following story: "Shortly after we moved to SMA, my husband and I were told that we must meet Howard and Bill, the social doyennes of the expat community. We were invited to one of their famous cocktail parties and became acquainted. They quickly brought up the subject, 'Have you read the book about us?' then Howard gave me a copy of Ordinary People Who Aren't. (One of the 17 stories therein is titled Howard, Bill, and Sally referring to their hosting of the aging fan dancer, Sally Rand during the last years of her life.) I saw your name and said to anyone who would listen, 'I know that guy', and we then exchanged stories about you." 

Now I don't mean to brag or anything, but four copies of OPWA were sold on Amazon last month. At this rate, I'm making literally tens of dollars each year from my writing, almost as much as I make from my farming. Sales of Nude Nuns and Other Peculiar People have now passed 3,000 copies, yet Ordinary People Who Aren't, a better book in my opinion, has yet to eclipse 2,000 copies. And that's the news from here. 

Chuck 

Charles A. Wells, Jr. Author of Nude Nuns and Other Peculiar People and Ordinary People Who Aren't Available on Amazon Follow my blog at http://nudenuns.blogspot.com/ Or contact me directly at: mailto:charlesawellsjr@gmail.com

NNAOPP Update

August 2022

Lost Valley Ranch

We first journeyed to LVL in 1986 when Lucy was 11 and Ben 5. Judy wrote to the Colorado Chamber of Commerce inquiring about dude ranches, received numerous brochures, selected Lost Valley Ranch, made a reservation, sent in a deposit, and awaited our date with destiny. 

Upon leaving the pavement near Deckers, CO one first travels two miles along a treacherous, narrow shelf road. It offers a frightening prospect of sliding into oblivion especially when encountering oncoming traffic. Then there is another seven miles of washboard gravel roads before arriving at a gate featuring the LVL brand. On our first trip we were certain we'd been duped, cheated out of our deposit, and sent on a wild goose chase. 

But we were welcomed by young men on horseback in ranch attire to begin the first of many trips to this tranquil valley. 

The founding Foster family accumulated about 640 acres that run along a three-mile stretch of Goose Creek located smack dab in the middle of the Pikes Peak National Forest. About 100 horses graze in the verdant valley bracketed by the Sawtooth Mountain range on the west and Sheep's Rock on the east. 

The blue skies frame the scenic vistas that alone are worth the price of admission. One can hike or ride for miles on dozens of distinct trails and never encounter anyone other than the 100 guests or 60 staff members. 

There are two dozen red-roofed cabins, each with a porch swing, scattered around a large lodge, a trading post, swimming pool, horse barns, spacious lawns, and rodeo arena. The facilities are well maintained, suitably rustic yet well appointed, peaceful, and isolated. 

Riding is the primary activity. One can choose a head-to-tail walking ride or something quite vigorous featuring trotting, loping, creek running, and log jumping. It's a very kid-centric place. A wrangler and kid counselor are assigned to each age group (3-5, 6-8, 9-10, 11-12, and teens). Parents see their kids at meal time, bed time, and some of the group activities such as the square dance, hay rides, melodrama, and picnics. The food is plentiful and excellent. It's basically a cruise ship in the Rocky Mountains with horses. 

The secret sauce that keeps people coming back year after year is the staff. They recruit uncommonly wholesome college age kids as wranglers, kid counselors, and dining room, kitchen, housekeeping, and maintenance staff. The hiring philosophy is to recruit character then train them for their respective tasks. They do a mighty fine job as each staff member exemplifies a quality service ethic. I know it sounds corny, but the staff serves as role models for the younger kids. As parents we ate it up. 

At the end of our first week at Lost Valley, Lucy and Ben bade farewell to their new best friends forever, pledged to stay in touch, and we signed up to return the following summer. 

Fast Forward to 2022 

So, last week we returned to Lost Valley with grandchildren Waverly (13) and the twins Finn and Charlie (12) for our 18th visit. And the place is still enchanting. Wavy quickly became fast friends with two other 13-year-old girls and the boys found an equally amenable bunch of buddies. 

I can no longer ride, so my activities consist of hiking, reading, banjo practice, and taking pictures of the kids. I hike the trails I used to ride and get in about 5-7 miles/day. On Monday a guy about my age catches up to me as I was walking along the creek and says, "Mind if I join you?" And we chatted while strolling. Dan asked if I was a serious hiker, and I said, no, but I've done some fun hikes mentioning walking across England. He then told me he recently completed 7 marathons, in 7 days, on 7 continents at age 76. (Antarctica, Capetown, Perth, Dubai, Barcelona, Rio, and Miami). "Wow!" I said humbled. Turns out he's a Harvard College grad, an attorney in Madill, OK, has three daughters, and is hosting their families at LVL, their 25th visit. It's apparently a quite accomplished family including one of his sons-in-law, Paul Ryan, former speaker of the house and VP candidate with Mitt Romney in 2012. 

Later in the day, Judy reported her first encounter with Paul: 

Judy walked up to a fellow guest, "Are you Paul Ryan?" And then, as is her custom, she answered her own question before letting the responder respond. "Of course not. I'll bet a lot of people ask you that. It must get tiresome." 

Paul, "Yes I am, but no it doesn't get tiresome." 

Judy, "No, you're not really Paul Ryan." 

Paul laughingly, "I can show you my driver's license if you'd like." 

And his brother in law weighed in, "Yep, that's him. He's from Wisconsin and we're married to sisters."

 

Judy reports he's youthful looking and very nice. I had a chance to visit with him later. He asked where I was from, and when I told him, he said, "Oh, yes. I met your wife." 

Over the next couple of days, I would come to meet an interesting assortment of people either through hiking, dining, or watching kids head out on rides. 

It's fairly common for there to be multi-generational guests. Larry from San Francisco is with his two sons and one daughter and their kids. Jen operates a fashion company / church mission in Uganda. Her husband is a cyber security guru. They live in MD. Chris is in charge of drone operations for Calfire (the state agency charged with fighting wildfires), and Steve is an architect in Santa Barbara. Larry was an electrical engineer who worked for the CIA and NSA, and said he would have to kill me if he told me what he did. 

Slim, short for Salim, was born and raised in Kenya to an Indian dad and a Canadian mom. He owned and operated a company that makes and services helicopters in Africa, but sold it several years ago. Now he and his wife do early stage investing in tech companies in Africa. He looks just like Elon Musk. He apparently inherited a strong streak of entrepreneurialism from his grandfather, who, in WWII was awarded a contract to weekly cut the hair of the 50,000 British soldiers then stationed in Kenya. He parlayed those earnings into a coffee plantation. Slim and his family live in the DC area and are neighbors of the clan of which Paul Ryan is a part. 

Mark is a single Dad with sole custody of three kids from Boone, NC. His twin sons, Philip and Amos are now best buds with Finn and Charlie. He earns his living via real estate development, but his real passion is music. He plays mandolin and sings lead in a southern gospel band. I heard him sing and play on a couple of occasions, and he's extremely talented. And he's a very nice guy. He's graciously agreed to work up a new and improved version of my song, "Three Funerals Shy of Paradise." 

On Sunday at the welcoming rodeo, I overheard one person say to another, "I heard the whistler is here this week." This meant nothing to me, until the Wednesday night cookout at the jail (a Potemkin-village-like western town) followed by a program put on by the staff of songs and funny skits. While dining on burgers and brats, we sat at the table with Chris and his wife Chris from the DC area. They have two college age kids who work on the staff. We soon learned that Chris once won first place in the World Whistling contest held in NC. This feat earned him a guest spot on the Jay Leno Show. He said, "Whistling is my passion, but it's certainly not my day job." He graciously performed two tunes during the show, clearly demonstrating his exceptional abilities. Tom, one of his friends later explained, "In his day job he's the director of PR for the Carlyle Group, a large private equity firm." 

Tom is ten years younger than I, a recent widower, and we shared several hikes and, being cabin neighbors, shared several glasses of wine before dinner. He was a Washington Post reporter for over 30 years, recently retired, and told many interesting stories about the changing world of newspapers. His primary focus was the business of sports. I mentioned I recently met a young woman from Tribune, KS who just bought the local newspaper. He was shocked, "Oh my, why would anyone do that?" He's now dating an MIT electrical engineer from Turkey where they will soon travel. Surprisingly, he's a thoughtful political conservative. 

We dined several times with a couple in their late 50's from Scotland, who now reside in Greenville, SC. They're very nice, but I have to listen closely to understand a word they say. Richard is the head pastor of a 3,000-member Presbyterian church, he and his wife Ruth have been in the US for 15 years, they're both US citizens, and they love Greenville. He always offers a prayer before dining, which is a nice touch.

Another NC couple is living in the cabin next to us. They also have two college age kids working on the staff. Dale owns and operates a cable channel that features old Western tv shows. We learned that the most popular is the B&W versions of Gunsmoke. Barb is a retired prosecuting attorney formerly working in Philadelphia. She said, "Sadly, they no longer need prosecutors in Philly, as they no longer prosecute crimes." 

There's the usual smattering of doctors, lawyers, and such, and Lord knows what of the folks do that we've not met. It was fun to interact with this nice group of people. 

I took a hike led by a 19-year-old staffer on the maintenance staff. He's from Birmingham, AL and goes to small college in Mississippi. He's hard working kid and told of the various jobs he's had since age 14: working at a Jiffy Lube, being a soda jerk at an ice cream parlor, and his favorite, as an apprentice with a cabinet maker. He also plays mandolin and guitar quite well accompanying many of the performers during the Wednesday night concert. Not surprisingly, he is quite conservative. I opined, "At your current school, you must be spared the strong liberal bias so common in today's universities." He replied, "Sadly, that is not the case. I've had several professors who are really more like indoctrinators than they are instructors. If one reveals conservative leanings your grades will suffer. If it happens at a Southern Baptist college in Mississippi I can't even imagine what it's like up north." 

Helen's Rock 

On Friday morning I decided to hike up to Helen's Rock. It's a four-mile roundtrip ascending 1,000 feet from the ranch. Serendipitously, I arrived at the same time as a ride of the younger kids. As I rested, I listened to the outrageous and lengthy story being told by one of the wranglers. I couldn't begin to recount it all, but the tale did incorporate a few of the following elements: 

Back in the 1700's a man was playing a game similar to the Price is Right. He had to guess which was more valuable, a lifetime supply of jalapeno-flavored Cheetos or a ranch in the middle of nowhere, in what some day would be Colorado. Our hero won the contest and chose the ranch. 

A Chechen woman danced the Chechen wedding dance for our hero, but he couldn't marry her because he was already married. A sniper later took out some villains trying to interfere. 

Helen's Rock is really an accumulation of centuries of horse poop. 

Horses have to be trained to trot, fart, and poop at the same time. 

And so much more. I do remember clearly though his final words: 

"So, kids, remember there are three morals to this story. One, treat your horse well, and it will treat you well in kind. Two, don't date more than one person at a time. Unless you plan really well. And Third, don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot be. Only you can choose your destiny." 

Music 

After the Friday night melodrama, several of us sat around a campfire and my new, musical friend, said, "I think I need to hear some banjo music.?" I retrieved my Ome open back and complied. Mark borrowed a mandolin from one of the wranglers and we played a few fiddle tunes. We even did a passable version of Dueling Banjos. Then we were joined by two guitar playing guests who were every bit as talented as Mark. I was reminded of the old line by George Gobel, "Did you ever consider that the world was a tuxedo, and you're a pair of brown shoes?" After a bit, I could no longer keep up and instead muted my strings and strummed a percussion rhythm. It was mighty fun though. One of the wranglerettes had a voice like an angel. 

Fun Fact 

Did you know that the guy who played the banjo on the porch in the 1973 movie Deliverance was paid $500 for that iconic scene? He didn't know a lick of banjo, but it was disguised as the camera avoided close-ups of his hands. He now works for Wal-Mart retrieving carts from the parking lot. He looks like a nice, normal small-town guy. Apparently, it was the make-up that made him look like the product of successive generations of inbreeding. 

Tits Up 

On Monday I was taking pictures of the kids as they rode off with their respective age group rides. Wavy was in the middle of the pack of teen riders. She was kind of slouched, so I suggested she improve her posture. She basically ignored me until I shouted, "Tits Up!" She groaned theatrically, "Oh Papa!" But she straightened right up for a great picture. 

And, as everyone knows, thirteen-year-old girls have thick skin, so for the remainder of the week whenever she saw me she would shout, "Papa! Tits up!" Kind of makes me tear up. 

LVL may be one of the few places left where one can see 50 college aged kids without a single tattoo. Although ranch leadership has transitioned over the decades, the successors to the Fosters continue to recruit staff that are exceptionally personable, hardworking, and comfortable conversing with the adults and interacting with the kids of all ages. 

One of the subtle benefits of the ranch is that there is no cell coverage, and Wi-fi is limited to the main lodge. Waverly, Finn, and Charlie reduced their screen times at least a hundredfold and instead became free range children, at least for a week. 

And then our enchanting week was over, and we had a nice, uneventful drive back to KC, and we signed up to return next year.

NNAOPP - May 2022

NNAOPP Update

May 2022 

I am currently recuperating from Covid. It's day 4 after testing positive. Right now, the symptoms are largely like having a bad cold. Judy tested positive on the same day, so we're fortunate to not have to stagger our quarantine periods. It's nowhere near as unpleasant as the flu episode I had a few years ago, but it's definitely not fun. 

Being cooped up has left ample time to cogitate over things, leading to an effort to locate a copy of the basic training yearbook I failed to buy some 52 years ago. Trainees were given the opportunity to acquire the chronicle which was similar to a high school yearbook. At the time I thought to myself, "With few exceptions, I hope to never see these people again." Now, a half century later, I feel the same way, but I would like to see pictures of them. 

Here's what I've learned in my so-far-unsuccessful search. If you google some combination of 'basic training' and '1970' you will find yourself at an American Legion (legion.org) site where the featured article is an unabridged copy of my Basic Training Chapter 1 from Nude Nuns and Other Peculiar People. I have no idea how they found it, but I'm pleased they did. 

Further cogitation led me down memory lane. Read on, if you've an interest. 

Fort Polk, LA - Part II 

At the conclusion of basic training we had a graduation ceremony and parade. Many family members and loved ones attended to celebrate this micro-achievement, unique only to the five million young men who shared the experience during the Vietnam War era.  My loved ones were apparently busy that day.

I thought I was scheduled to travel to Ft. Sam Houston in San Antonio to take a 4-month training course for dental assistants. But, there was a SNAFU. For reasons I would never learn, I was instead ordered to stay in Ft. Polk and enter Advanced Infantry Training in Tiger Land. I was more than mildly concerned about this, so I wrote Colonel Hume, the commanding officer of my home dental detachment in Springfield, MO. I was particularly indebted to Dr. Hume, as he made room for me in his highly desired unit. He wrote back saying, "No big deal, just go with the flow, we'll train you when you get home." 

So off I went to Tiger Land. The welcoming sign at Ft. Polk, says "Home of the Combat Infantryman." Tiger Land was designed to replicate Viet Cong villages and surrounding terrain. There was a section with barracks and chow hall, but mostly we lived in tents or in the replica villages. There were thatched huts, guard towers, M-60 machine gun emplacements, punji stick traps made of sharpened bamboo, systems of tunnels, strands of concertina wire, et al. NCO's and returning veterans were dressed as VC or villagers, never revealing which. Most memorable, were the systems of trails that were all booby trapped with punji sticks traps, spidy holes, and mines. It was all pretty terrifying. 

The Tiger Land people proudly boasted that trainees who graduated from their intensive AIT, were spared having to undertake the one-week unit training course upon arrival in Viet Nam, and could go directly into lethal combat. No delay. What a deal. 

If it wasn't so life-threateningly serious, elements of the training were pretty darn cool. Who wouldn't want to shoot an M-60 Machine Gun? Unless of course there was someone else with equally deadly weapons shooting at you. 

After a week in Tiger Land, a drill sergeant took me aside and asked, "Can you type?" I replied in the affirmative, and he told me I was being reassigned to clerk duties at Company HQ. I never learned if this was due to Colonel Hume's intervention or someone decided it was a waste of bullets to train a dental assistant as an infantryman. In a matter of hours, I traded my M-16 and combat fatigues for a Smith Corona and Class A's, and I was re-situated into the comforts of an air-conditioned office. Thank God for my eighth-grade typing class at Indian Hills Jr. High. 

My new boss was an E-6 (staff sergeant) and a pretty good guy. He was tall, had real greasy hair, and was probably in his mid 30's. We underlings called him Phil, in large part because that was his name. But this being the military, first name familiarity between trainees and cadre was not commonplace. 

One of my new workmates was a young black man. He was very effeminate and had a beautiful singing voice, reminiscent of Johnny Mathis. He was constantly singing, much to the delight of anyone within hearing range. I often wondered if he ever made it big. He was really good. 

Phil somehow took a liking to me. One day he invited me to travel to his home after work. It was always a treat to get off base, so I quickly accepted his kind invite. I hopped into his beat-up pickup, and we traveled down a series of dirt roads running through the dense pine forests of western Louisiana. He pulled into a ratty looking place with a couple of derelict vehicles littering the yard. The front porch was decorated with an old icebox and a couch. The 'Walton's' style house was in dire need of freshening. If Hollywood were attempting to paint an unflattering stereotype of a redneck home, this was it. 

We walked in, and Phil yelled, "Hey hon, we've got company, can you grab us a couple of beers?" Hon turned out to be a very pretty girl. I'd guess she couldn't have been older than 15. Hon delivered the beers, and Phil said, "Let's sit on the porch and shoot the shit." And we did, and the shit was shot. And I thought to myself, "Is this even legal?" I don't remember a single morsel of our conversations, other than it was a whole lot better than being in my barracks. This was to be the first of four visits to Phil's home. 

We shared office space with the company commander, a captain, and occasionally we had contact with a major or even a lt. colonel. In spite of my limited exposure, I surmised that the cadre of officers assigned to basic training units were not the best and brightest. In later life I read the quote by the German General Kurt von Hammerstein-Equord which seemed apropos: 

"I divide my officers into four groups. There are clever, diligent, stupid, and lazy officers. Usually two characteristics are combined. Some are clever and diligent - their place is the General Staff. The next lot are stupid and lazy - they make up 90% of every army and are suited to routine duties. Anyone who is both clever and lazy is qualified for the highest leadership duties, because he possesses the intellectual clarity and the composure necessary for difficult decisions. One must beware of anyone who is stupid and diligent - he must not be entrusted with any responsibility because he will always cause only mischief." 

And Kurt probably never even traveled to Ft. Polk. 

Phil had a good sense of humor and a bit of vengefulness. On a few occasions he had us mail personnel folders to the wrong military installation insuring that the target's orders and payroll data would get lost. Company clerks were not to be messed with. I was getting close to my 6-month end of active duty, and was counting down each morning, '31 days and a wakeup'. 

On May 4, 1970 we were in the office and someone walked in and asked, "Did you hear the latest scores? National Guard 4, Kent State 0." We would later learn this referred to the incident when the Ohio National Guard fired on student protestors killing four and wounding nine. It set off a chain of protests on college campuses all over the country. Unfortunately, this tragedy played an outsized role in turning public sentiment against the boys in uniform, not just the politicians. I would experience this wrath on numerous occasions over the next 5 ½ years of my reserve duty. 

Inexplicably, I received orders to go home about three weeks early. I gleefully complied. 

Cousins' Reunion 

Judy and I traveled to Carlsbad, CA to attend the tenth holding of the Welsh cousin's reunion. Ten of the thirteen living grandchildren of Jesse and Mayme Welsh, along with spouses and partners, gathered for a few days of merriment. Jesse, as you may recall from earlier stories, was born in 1892, had one of his eyes pecked out by a chicken when he was a baby, served in WWI in France, became a teacher then principal in schools in SE Missouri and fathered five kids, my Mom, Helen, being the first born. My grandkids are totally freaked out by poultry pecking part of the parable, "Who would leave a baby near a chicken?" 

We rented a car at the San Diego airport and drove north to Carlsbad on I-5. At one point in the drive we descended from a hill down to a bridge crossing a lagoon. It afforded a view of several miles of the nine lanes of congested traffic each way. I told Judy it made me feel like an ant. Gas was over $6 a gallon. 

The reunion was great fun, and I enjoy the company of my cousins. One evening our host, assembled about 300 family pictures which we watched as a group on a wide screen television. We could identify most everyone pictured, but several remained mysteries. On one occasion someone quoted the oft-repeated aphorism misattributed to Einstein, "Repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity." 

Cousin Steve, a retired nuclear physicist, calmly interjected, 

"Einstein did believe that, but he was proven wrong. What he described as insanity is, according to quantum theory, the way the world actually works. In quantum mechanics you can do the same thing many times and get different results. That is the premise underlying great high-energy particle colliders." 

No one argued the point. What a great group of cousins. 

Waverly 

Lucy was picking up the kids on their last day of school. Finn got in the car first with his yearbook. She asked to see it, and Finn mentioned that an older boy drew a picture of a penis in it. He was nonplussed, said he tore out the offending page, no big deal. 

A few minutes later, Waverly got in the car, and Finn told her what happened and who. She espied the flagitious miscreant awaiting his ride and raced out of the car before Lucy could stop her. Waverly confronted the junior shit-weasel, who stood a foot taller, and planted her face inches from his. Lucy reports she was concerned she was going to hit him. But she didn't. 

After she returned to the car, Lucy asked what transpired and was told, "I didn't say a word. I just gave him 'The Look' ". What a kid.

NNAOPP Update - March 2022

NNAOPP Update March 2022 

With the threat of nuclear war looming in greater measure than any time in my lifetime since the Cuban missile crisis of October 1962, it may appear unseemly to send out another round of my mindless musings. I well remember sitting in Mr. Cartwright's Spanish class at Shawnee Mission East when our principal, Carl Isen, came on the PA system to instruct us to 'duck and cover' under our desks in the event of a nuclear attack. I figure the following mirthful missive is no more ridiculous than the now-long-departed Carl's admonitions. 

I should caution potential readers that the Mardi Gras update contains some mature themes, perhaps more accurately characterized as immature. For those offended by such material, please skip the first section. 

Mardi Gras 2022 

Plato once cautioned, "Boys under 18 shall not taste wine at all, for one should not conduct fire to fire. Wine in moderation may be tasted until one is 30 years old, but the young man should abstain entirely from drunkenness and excessive drinking. But when a man is entering his fortieth year…. he may summon the other gods and particularly call on Dionysus to join the old men's holy rite and mirth…. which the god has given to men to lighten their burden - wine that is, the cure for crabbedness of old age, whereby we may renew our youth and enjoy forgetfulness of despair." 

Rather than quibble with Plato's designation that old age begins at 40, my fellow Mardi Gras celebrants, all well north of 40, once again dressed up in our finery and gathered to take the ancient Greek philosopher's advice to heart with our Friday-before-Mardi Gras- luncheon at the Rib Room. Our numbers were reduced to seven this year, but we did manage to down the seven bottles of wine, including one magnum, each served after several rounds of pre-lunch cocktails. The four-hour, bacchanalian feast successfully cured any hints of 'crabbedness.' 

Afterwards, we journeyed to Patrick's Bar Vin for further merriment and more wine. A band played, and the crowd consisted mostly of locals who knew one another from their membership in the Krewe of Cork. 

While visiting with a woman dressed like a upside-down, plastic box of popcorn, I received a phone call from a friend. I excused myself to go out onto Rue Bienville where it was quieter. I walked almost to Royal and stood on the sidewalk with the phone to my ear. There was no one else around when I couldn't help but notice two extremely attractive young women walking my way. I would guess them to be college age. They had selfie sticks and were exposing their breasts presumably for their own amusement and to record for posterity their uncommon pulchritude at this stage in their lives. 

They noticed me, and one of them walked over and stood beside me. As I was still on the call I said, "Bob, you're not going to believe what is happening. I'll need to call you back." The young lady then said, "You look like a kind man." And she proceeded to proffer a generous viewing of her perfectly shaped breasts. I thanked her for her willingness to share, and she again told me that I appeared to be a kind man, and she trotted off to join her friend. 

It goes without saying, that this doesn't happen to me every day. But when it does, I find it pleasing. 

Iris, Muses, and Nyx 

One of our lunch crew, and the youngest, is the CEO of a local construction company. She is also a member and rider of Muses, a group of women who organize a parade on the Thursday night before Mardi Gras. Muses is known for dispensing ornately decorated high heel shoes to the parade viewers. Our friend told us that she makes 30-35 shoes each year to give away to complete strangers, and she makes about 5-10 'special' shoes to give to friends. She reports that she loves the time spent with her glue gun. She brought a nice assortment of Muses paraphernalia for all of us. 

I'm told that Iris is the most prestigious of the women's parades, they ride on the Saturday afternoon before MG, one of the most desirable times, and they distribute elegantly decorated purses. One doesn't join this club unless their NOLA ancestry goes back a few centuries. Next is Muses, which was founded about 25 years ago. Our friend was on a wait list for four years before being admitted to the club, with another two-year wait before qualifying to ride on one of the floats. Nyx, was then formed to open up the festivities for the masses, with a membership once reaching 3,500 celebrants. This group suffered a sad unraveling after one of the prominent members posted a message 'All Lives Matter' during the George Floyd BLM days. This was not well received by some, and the friction splintered the once fun-loving group into three bitter rivals. 

Mardi Gras was cancelled in 2021 owing to Covid. Alcohol was banned in the French Quarter. To add further insult, the high temperature on Mardi Gras 2021 was 30. Brrh! This year it appeared that people were ready to party and to spend money, much to the delight of the local merchants. 

Hurricane Ida also wrought its wrath on NOLA. Our favorite source for the mighty tasty Muffaletta sandwich, The Central Grocer, was closed as Ida blew off their roof. Fortunately, we discovered the tiny deli, Verti-Mart, near Esplanade and Royal, that makes an even better version. While picking up our lunch at the Verti-Mart I also picked up a King Cake, also a very tasty concoction. I couldn't help but notice that the label on the package contained the following warning, "Caution, there is a plastic baby inside this cake. It is not edible." I then wondered if Barbie Doll packages contain a similar warning. 

It was gray and chilly on Saturday afternoon which greatly reduced the crowds, painted torsos, and general levels of merriment, but we soldiered on drinking Abita beer and watching the people pass by our balcony. 

Dining was exquisite as usual with Arnaud's still reigning supreme, followed by brunch at Stanley's, a close second. 

While walking through Jackson Square on the way to meet friends for brunch at Stanley's I overheard snippets from two homeless men shouting at each other. "Yea, I did hard time there too, it was a bitch…. Some social worker chick told me to get up and leave. I told her to go away. And she did." 

I'm told that NOLA is now short 300-400 police officers owing to partial defunding, retirements, and unfilled positions. What could possibly go wrong? 

We arrived on Thursday afternoon. Bourbon St. was already wall-to-wall partygoers. A big black guy stood next to a sign, "How much ass can you haul?" and was then seen lifting two fat girls in a fireman carry. Good start. 

During one of my strolls through Vieux Carré, I encountered a young woman sipping on a straw inserted into a container that resembled an IV blood packet. I inquired as to its contents, and she said, "It's sangria. I bought it from a guy dressed like a vampire. He's just down the street. See?" I love this place. 

The building across from our balcony is being somewhat renovated. It could well be one of those old structures in the French Quarter that rests on a foundation made of straw bales. One of our structural engineer, dining compatriots once opined, "The only reason those buildings still stand is habit." Even after the work, the windows and shades are more in the shape of parallelograms than rectangles. 

There was no sign of our transgender acquaintance this year. They would have undoubtedly found us had they been here. Even if they weren't looking for us, it would be hard to miss they, as they is over six feet tall without counting the typical 3' tower of hair they wear. 

First Date 

Judy and I dined with friends recently at Doc Ford's, one of our favorite spots on Sanibel Island. Also joining us were the 27-year-old son of one of the other couples and his fiancé. The younger folks were delightful companions, and in the course of conversation we asked how they met. And we heard the following story: 

"I asked her out several times, and she kept putting me off. She seemed to block out her day in 30-minute segments and could never fit me in. I was totally smitten, so I kept trying and being rejected. So, I finally told her, 'I'm only going to ask you one more time.' And she finally accepted my invitation to take her to dinner. She suggested a nice BBQ restaurant in town, and I said that would be fine. 

"She told me she would drive and pick me up. Much to my surprise, when we got to the restaurant she drove through the drive-through. After we got our food, she dropped me off at my house. We didn't even eat together. I was sharing a place with eight guys at the time, and I walked in from my extremely short date holding a paper bag with my dinner. My roommates were astonished, "Dude, that must not have gone well." 

At this point of the story, the fiancé weighed in and said, "Yes, I told my Dad all about our first date, and he said, 'Way to go girl.' " 

Christmas time travels with the family 

Judy and I were waiting for a flight in the Denver airport. We were traveling with Fred, Lucy, Waverly, Finn, and Charlie, but they were sitting quite some distance away. We had our backs to one of the giant people movers and were surrounded by other travelers. Waverly then walked by, but she didn't see us. I called out, "Hey little girl, want some candy?" She looked my way and said without a hitch, "Sure mister. Whatcha got?" The man sitting next to me instantly got up and left. 

**** 

A few days later, I found myself at a beach concert in Chileno Bay, Mexico (near San Jose Del Cabo) featuring the Spazmatics from Austin TX. I had not heard of this band prior, but found them to be highly energetic and hugely entertaining. The event featured a dozen food and drink trucks, and one could even get their face painted and wear Hells Angel's hats and bandanas, but I declined. 

The sponsor of the event couldn't have known it was Judy's and my 53rd wedding anniversary, but it was. The crowd was extremely well dressed and attractive. I'm guessing the next oldest person might have been 50. I couldn't help but notice the number of strikingly tall and provocatively dressed young women. Many, but fortunately not all, had duck lips. This might be pleasing to Donald and Daffy, but not to me. 

Judy, Lucy, and the boys left early as the venue was too noisy for their tastes. Waverly and Fred stayed to dance the night away, and I was pleased to be totally invisible and just take in the sights and sounds sipping on a fine wine. 

Fred and Wavy joined me at my table to take a breather as the band took a break. When Waverly left to grab something from one of the nearby food trucks I mentioned to Fred, "It appears, there are a lot of professional women here." Unbeknownst to me, Waverly had returned and was standing behind me. 

The 12, soon to be 13, year-old then queried, "What do you mean, 'professional women?' " 

And I responded, "You know, veterinarians, architects, doctors, and such." 

And she said, "I'm not buying that." 

**** 

Fred, Lucy, Waverly, Judy, Fred's parents, and I were brunching on the patio of the Querencia Club. An attractive woman in her 40's accompanied by an older man I presumed to be her father, approached Fred and Lucy and inquired, "Are you the parents of Charlie Coulson?" Everyone rolled their eyes and undoubtedly shared the same thought, "Oh dear, what has Charlie done now?" 

Instead of responding, "Why do you want to know?" Lucy fearlessly acknowledged that she was indeed Charlie's Mom. 

The young lady then offered a $100 bill to Lucy, which she courteously declined. The visitor then explained, "Charlie found my diamond ear ring at the bottom of the pool. It was a very expensive diamond, and it's only appropriate that he receive a reward for his kind and honorable deed." After a bit of back and forth, Fred graciously accepted the reward on 11-year-old Charlie's behalf. 

A few minutes later Charlie and Finn arrived, and Fred explained what happened. Charlie then asked, "Would you invest that for me, Dad?" 

**** 

Lucy, is a bit of a germophobe. This condition has taken on even greater import with the onset of the Covid pandemic. For reasons I can't explain, I get sniffles when I eat. I often dab my nose with a tissue, then apply Purell to my hands. Instead of kudos from my favorite daughter for this thoughtful hygienic behavior, I received the following lecture: 

"Dad, think of it this way. You've got an intrusion of cockroaches crawling all over your kitchen counter. Purell kills the nasty critters leaving them in place. Hand washing clears them off the counter, and they go down the drain. Go with the latter."